Rinnie-blossomingborderline

So everyday we're getting closer and closer to our goals on social media - mostly tiktok (if you're here, check out the Facebook and instagram, give us a follow and a like! Every little helps) my personal dreams are to give back and run my own charity - mental health charity, support line type of thing, to help others and be there for others. But as you probably read or are going to read in my last blog post, blossoming borderline was created and is run by just 2 people, myself and Ami. 

Me and ami have been active on tiktok all morning, engaging with followers, replying to comments, making videos ect. To help raise awareness for mental illnesses, we're doing all that we can and we're so proud of what we've achieved thus far. We will be releasing our self-care boxes in the next few weeks, to help those with poor mental health and the proceeds will go to mental health charities doing what we haven't got the man power to do! You've got to remember this site, Facebook, instagram and tiktok are all ran by just 2 people, if we could branch out, we would. 

The thing is, I'm told I cant do something, I'll want to do it more and get my point across. And the trouble with the mental health team is that they either over advise or not at all. There needs to be a middle ground. I dont want solutions, I want to be heard, I want to make my point without judgement and I want you to understand that. Im the only one who can battle my demons, you're just there to watch and try to guide me from the side, I need to learn to reach out for help when its needed and not be reliant on it just being given to me from the services but for me to call when I need help and them actually be there, doing a good job, not critiquing me, not blackmailing me, not guilt tripping me, nothing like that. I need to set boundaries and rules and put myself first and look out for my mental wellbeing as best as I can, make positive steps in life and mental health. Keeping busy helps, I've been keeping busy with appointments, this website, our new business, keepi...

Im trying but no one hears my cry for help? Im not crying on the outside but inside it feels like im dying, I'm panicking about everything, second guessing my every discision. What if what I'm doing is a huge failure? What if I cant achieve what I've set out to do.. I'm trying my hardest, is my hardest enough? If you're reading this, please follow the socials so I can achieve what I'm trying to do, I'm putting myself out there, yes I haven't used my real name but that's out of fear, fear of being recognised, especially if this fails.  Im a high functioning person with BPD, my emotions are mainly inwards, I struggle to express how I feel outwardly. 

I feel like my best isnt good enough and I know I act out, I get upset, I raise my voice, ect. I have the need to control what's going on around me, I dont like not knowing what's going on and when you last out and I dont know why, it gives me the urge to also push you away because I feel you're rejecting me from being involved when what's happened clearly has had an affect. I dont know, I feel lost and angry and hurt and all sorts. My heads scrambled. I guess today just isnt a good day. 

I am feeling so anxious today, we have been talking about the website and our new business idea and all sorts and I think we are going to go ahead with the business but in order to do that I need to gain a social media following on the Facebook and tiktok, which means engaging with new people and putting myself out there and it has just set off my anxiety, I feel so uneasy and like I could just break down and cry but I won't, I have a loving and supportive partner that has helped me slightly with the networking aspect of our new business venture but I'm still anxious. 

 Well what can I say about today? The struggles are real, the other half is struggling and I'm worried about them and their mental and physical health. I had my flupentixol depot yesterday so everything isn't as loud and unbearable today, thankfully.  My mental health isnt the best though, I'm compliant with my medication, getting enough sleep, eating and drinking enough. I just feel a bit deflated and like I'm hitting a brick wall. I just don't know what to do with myself and lack the motivation or mental capacity to do much, its taken me days to start this blog, I just hope I've got it in me to carry it on.  To those also struggling with their mental health, we need to band together, we need to stand strong and we need to guide the professionals on how to help us as best as we can, they only learn through our guidance.  Making the website and messing around with the settings was a good distraction for today and also doing tiktoks, ect. Is also a good distracti...